Rape (4 days of work with the Palucki method)
This text contains explicit mention of physical and sexual violence that some readers may find upsetting. Discretion advised.
Hello! A brief insight:
About half a year ago, the ground was torn from under my feet in the most violent way. I was firmly convinced that I would never get through this, let alone that someone could help me to come to terms with it! I suffered what is known as retraumatisation!
At the age of 14, I was robbed of my virginity by an extremely brutal rape that could / should have resulted in death.
At that time, I was with my “best friend” at 2 of her friends, both 21 years old, one German, one foreigner. After a maximum of three glasses of beer I had to go to the toilet, when I came back my girlfriend was gone. I wanted to go home, too.
One offered to drive me home. But shortly afterwards he said that I had to earn it first! They started fondling me. Despite of my resistance and my screams, they didn’t stop. A kitchen towel was stuffed into my mouth. PANIC, suddenly I was scared to death!
I’ve had nightmares every night for the past six months! Again and again, I dreamed what had happened! I started sudden fainting. I just fell over and very often fell on my head! Daily raging headaches, panic attacks. I couldn’t go to work like that either! What should they think if I just fall down out of the blue.
Back then, I was then dragged into the bedroom and tied to the bed with my hands! Then an extreme pain! The perineum was torn completely. At some point they took the handkerchief out of my mouth and threatened me, for every scream I would be hurt! I was being choked over and over and hit over and over on the head. They made knife cuts on my back and stomach and a piece of my labia was cut off! Finally, they put a trouser belt around my neck and pulled it tight to kill me. The other one said repeatedly: Knock that shit off! Obviously, that made me survive.
After that, I was dressed, put in the car, and laid down at a bus stop. It was 4:18 a.m. in my coat I found a photo of that was made during intercourse. I burned it! Nobody should ever know!
For all of the nights of the past 6 months I had recurring nightmares! I suffered from extreme chronic constipation, sometimes couldn’t go to the toilet for 1 week! In order to survive, I had told myself until the end of last year that it happened voluntarily! Until that one day six months ago I had no memory of it, only of what I had told myself.
That year I went to a psychiatrist that was recommended to me. But it didn’t work. In my opinion, it got worse after that. By clearly admitting the rape, it all came back. Due to a random remark from my partner, the whole house of cards collapsed.
That was the worst moment in my life. From then on, I kept fainting and falling on the floor, hurting myself! – Not that bad so far! Luckily!
My partner spent hours searching the internet for a way to get help! At this point I have to quickly say thank you to him! He is the greatest man I could ever have wished for! The only one who really cared for what has happened to me! Unfortunately, my family didn’t really care when I had told them about it at the beginning of this year!
He and Ilona saved my life! Because the thoughts of suicide kept growing, too! I didn’t want any of that anymore! I didn’t want to feel the pain anymore! Then he came across Ilona’s website and practically pushed me into it!
In the beginning I was very suspicious and I actually only got involved with it for my partner! AT FIRST!! He was so convinced that this woman can help me that it was almost easy to believe him!
And so, I got involved, got on the plane and flew to Nice! I held on to my queasy feeling until the second when Ilona stood in front of me! I can’t describe it; it was a totally crazy feeling! We greeted each other and immediately a kind of calm settled in me and I knew instinctively “Yes, this woman will help you!” It was blatant, really. But that’s the way it is! This amazing woman helped me! I have absolutely no more emotions about what had happened and feel like reborn!
I can finally breathe deeply again and feel happy!! I can go into the future positively and optimistically again and even now in the present I would never have believed that I would ever feel so good and alive again! Ilona, I’m just so grateful to you for everything! To me you are a heroine!